Reflections

The trellis stands by A wandering rose whose blind and tender shoots Poke the air, testing Fingers curled around a tendril twirling itself around the fringes Of the bent green wood The triple cord, earnest in its unmoving state between Sun and rose, Awaits, hurting… “Come sweet Rose!” it pines, “Lift up your head and let Him pull you to your feet! The ground you cling to, even as it calls you to sleep, Is a deathbed!” It sweats until its sapless brow, bead by bead, Moves the rose to weep And stretch across the gap between where life begins and ends, Hanging on. *for my Rose

There is a type of caring that is responsible to a fault.  It is based on responding rather than giving. What is the difference? Caring as giving is offered, from me to you, from the inside out.  It is freely given; a choice. Caring as responding is an answer, to you from me, from the outside-in.  It is not given freely, but from a sense of duty. Why is this caring to a fault? Because it holds the other responsible for my own sense of obligation, placing the burden of giving on someone outside myself.  It is not carefree caring.  It is anxious, heavy, laden with responsibility, like a job.  It is the care of a first responder, or an unpaid volunteer. Ultimately, this kind of caring, when offered to a child, friend or lover, will feel unfair to the caregiver.  Resentment builds because they feel like they are owed something.  Then they begin to exact payment from their loved ones. They get angry and withdraw, or both, and escape....

~ sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me It has taken me a long time to not disregard that rhyme as just plain wrong. Words, never hurt? What about the pen being mightier than the sword? Harsh words can wound us to our very cores. You can remove a sword but you cannot unhear words. No, I always thought, "Words hurt like hell!" and for that reason have long dismissed forgiveness as a disingenuous attempt to let something go when in reality it is killing us.  First we heal, I thought, and when it stops hurting, then we can forgive, truly forgive. But I am changing my mind. I still believe there is a lot of fake forgiveness out there, and that it is better to heal organically by feeling our pain, telling our stories and getting a "hearing" which validates our suffering, than to feign forgiveness through gritted teeth.  But now I believe we can dodge and remove the swords through forgiveness. We live in a world where words are ...

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God ~John (1:1) God said, "Let there be light", and there was light.  Some utterances fulfill the intention of the speaker.  They are prophetic words, potent words that create realities from the speaker's mind merely by claiming his vision out loud. There is tremendous power in this. In the human realm, it is called suggestion. And it works.  If you say something emphatically, and repeat it often enough, especially if it is accompanied by a mental image, you can anticipate the future.  This is where the expression "be careful what you wish for" comes from.  Wishes pack the power of the verb*.  This can do good, but- like all power- it can also harm ourselves or others if we do not wield it carefully.  When my friend's son was just a kid, his dad, well-meaning of course, told him emphatically, “ Son, you will try drugs as a teenager and you will like them. ”  I...

~ And after the earthquake a fire; but the  Lord  was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. I'm not a Christian but I have struggled my whole life to understand the meaning of "sacrifice", the mystery of the cross, and the human obsession with offering blood (goats, lamb, body parts or whole persons) to atone for our human condition. Raised by hard-working parents who loved us well but, like many of their generation, reminded us daily that they bore the cost of our privilege and good fortune, I rejected and was unwilling to pass that burden on to my own children.  So in my twenties, I completed a Master's thesis entitled "Le Sacrifice et la Générosité; Réflexion sur Autrui" that skewered the notion of sacrifice in favour of generosity as an act of giving from the feeling of abundance rather than from the pinch of obligation. If this was not love for another, I thought, at least it was not a need for personal atonement. Still I ...

The thing that hurts the most is the injustice. From the beginning, in response to sharing a vulnerability, a hurt, a need for a kiss, an I-miss-you To be told: You are controlling, demanding, ordering, cornering, complaining… An (always unexpectedly immediate) punch to the belly At your softest The pain... is dizzying You catch your breath trying to wrap your head around what’s just happened And start to explain, at first calmly: No that’s not what I meant, that’s not what I said, that’s not how I feel. He's skeptical so you persevere: What I said, what I meant, what I felt was… Trying hard to bridge the gap between you And shed some light on misunderstanding But like a swimmer swimming against a current stronger than she is The shore gets further away and the water murkier You lose your composure Treading water and drowning in the words Don’t go!  Don’t go!  Don’t go… He remembers that as the start: your panicked desperation...

To continue my reflections on power, men and violence toward women... A traditionally “feminist” critique uses a black and white model to condemn domestic violence.  It attributes abusive dynamics to the deliberate exploitation of power by men whose intention is to dominate and control women, and blames patriarchy for its proliferation.  Due to the frequency with which I have observed male violence* in intimate relationships, if you subscribe to this model, many men would be deliberately manipulating and hurting the very women they love.  That is too perverse to entertain, and I take issue with much of the literature that comes up in an internet on the subject which would lead us to believe it. Patriarchy is not men; and violence is not their fault. It may be true that men are more violent; that they projectively identify their bad stuff more onto women (who have a tendency to introject it) which then justifies their acting out in violence because “she ...