seek and ye shall find

But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness;
 and all these things shall be added unto you (Matthew 6:33)

Lately I've had a few hopelesss conversations with frustrated friends who are struggling to find their way out of addiction. One of them recently threw his hands up to the heavens and begged for mercy over his alcoholism, shrugging with tears in his eyes, "I am waiting on Him."

While it looked like an act of surrender, and I felt sorry for him, I recognized this kind of waiting as too passive to be called seeking. I have seen him walking to the corner store for beer with more enthusiasm.

I know how he feels.

When I quit smoking 15 years ago, I had no idea I was quitting an addiction. I thought I loved cigarettes; and that made it very hard not to pick one up. The first days were almost impossible and, if it weren't for my 6 year-old daughter urging me to soldier on, I might have thrown in the towel on day 2. I kept going for her sake, not wanting to disappoint her and be a loser mom. 

For over a year, I fought the urge to smoke. "I want a cigarette" repeated over and over in my mind like a mantra or computer program, running constantly in the background and draining me of all my energy. It was a haunting and merciless craving to smoke, my constant companion for a year, and my first thought upon waking: "I want a cigarette". I became depressed wondering what the point of quitting was if I was going to be miserable and tortured for the rest of my life. (Today, I know this is called "white knuckling", the long suffering way to sobriety. I do not recommend it)

While my quit lasted and my nicotine addiction did finally give up on me, I had not learned how to give up on it, or on anything. That came many years later, when I had to face another dependency: my grip on an addict. That was killing me worse. He got under my skin right down into my heart and all the way back up again into the folds of my besotted brain. I was stuck for years in a relationship going nowhere. One day my sponsor said to me, discouraged, "You have a grip of steel". Before that, a Buddhist mentor had also tried to warn me, "There is nothing to hold on to" but then he ghosted me, which only caused my grip to tighten. 

I did not know how to surrender or to "let go" (to this day I hate that expression). I was a lost cause.

Here is what finally helped. I stopped waiting for someone or something to help me loosen my grip on the things I held on to. I sought recovery. I sought it hard, with all my heart and soul. I worked the program and I prayed, neither of which I believed in, but I did whatever I was told to do by people who had succeeded, and I did it wholeheartedly. 

In the Song of Songs the Shulamite woman says, "I must rise now and go about the city; in the streets and in the squares I must seek him whom my soul loves" (3:2). It reminds me of PD Eastman's baby bird in the desert searching for his mother in the classic book for children "Are You My Mother?" A quest motivated by necessity not courage.

Another Bible passage says that "few will find the way", and that is daunting. 

Here is what I have discovered: the way is found by going through the gate or, in the case of sobriety, by doing sobriety. Go through the motions and you will find that muscle builds, just like you lose weight by following a diet. It works if you work it, as the saying goes. And remember, as Winston Chruchill once said, "If you are going through hell, keep going."

We need to be hot on the trail of whatever we are seeking, like a hound or deer panting (psalm 42)*

Nothing else will do.

* The origin of the word "seek" is actually secan or zieken which closley resembles the Greek zeteo in the expression "seek and ye shall find". It means to perceive by scent! 

sorry

And I will restore to them the years that the locust has eaten (Joel 2:25) 

I write this as a Christian disappointed that the scriptures supporting my faith do not explicitly encourage the most important act of restoration I can think of. And that is saying sorry.

Many of my brothers and sisters, when asked about scriptural support for apologizing, will cite passages about forgiveness, restitution, redempton or atonement but none of these mention saying sorry to the people we have harmed. The scriptures (both old and new) invite humility, contrition and repentance in various gestures of sacrifice and reconciliation. But these are directed toward God rather than toward human beings. Perhaps that is why religious people will bypass an apology and go straight to requesting forgiveness. They seek absolution for themselves but not necessarily the restoration of those against whom they've sinned.

Jesus was clear about placing the love for another right up there with the first commandment to love God. He invited us to do unto others and to turn the other cheek instead of slapping someone or yanking out his eye or tooth in an act of revenge. This was a huge improvement on retributive justice and its childish law of retaliation. Still, He did not replace that law with what we would today call restorative justice. He fulfilled it by offering his own life to pay for our debts.

There is an invitation in Matthew 5:24 to be reconciled to your brother or sister before offering a sacrifice on the altar like a hypocrite. But, given the traditions we have already mentioned, this reconciliation may have taken the form of a request for forgiveness or an offer of restitution as payment for a debt. Regrettably, it is not specified that we should redress our offenses by hearing out others and apologizing directly to them for the harm we have done.

One of the most beautiful scriptures says that what comes out of our mouth comes from the heart, and that it is indeed this which defiles (and cleanses) us. Other scriptures remind us that we will know a tree by the fruit it bears, and that the fruit of the spirit of God is identified with gentleness, meekness, patience, kindness, self-control and love. Christ is the ultimate expression of this, and his second coming the ultimate restoration of justice for all. Many prophets foretold this remarkable time of reconciliation, knowing it was not something that would ever happen on the world's terms. 

My question is: why wouldn't God command us to restore the hearts we have broken by acknowledging our wrongdoing and making concrete amends to those we have harmed? Maybe for the same reason that "He hardens the hearts of whom He chooses, and has mercy on others" for a reason beyond my own understanding. This is simply how it is.

If it were up to me, I would tweak the Golden Rule to: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and when you have offended others (and you will), restore unto them what you have taken. Show compassion, say sorry and do your utmost to never do it again.

unveiling a mystery

~ Wherefore all these things are but the names which mortals have given, believing them, to be true (Parmenides; On Nature)

As a psychotherapist, I regret that my profession has drifted from its original vocation as a study of the soul/mind (psyche) to become an "evidence-based" discipline founded on scientific knowledge (episteme) of the mind/brain. 

We cannot gain insight into the mind using science. Though we may be able to see or measure behavioural or cognitive phenomena and infer correlations with the brain, we cannot present these as "evidence" of what goes on inside the mind. The mind remains invisible to itself, its inner workings elusive.

The mind is real in a way that is very different from the empirical data we may collect trying to understand it. It has a metaphysical reality that cannot be grasped by verifiable facts, a reality that is unfortunately dismissed by contemporary psychology for lack of evidence.

That is what I regret.

When science is the only proof of validity we are willing to trust, vital expressions of human psychology-- hope, love, faith, the quest for justice, truth, morality and even the quest for wellness itself-- are excluded from our science of the mind which will therefore always be an imperfect reflection of the reality of, and remedy for, mental health and suffering. 

It is good that psychotherapists try to be accountable for cures they claim to work. But it is a tragedy that some potent restoratives are beyond the scope of our current definition of best practices.

It would be nice if our study of the mind returned to its roots to embrace the possibility of evidence for things unseen, a truth that is revealed but not to the eyes. It is described by a Greek word aletheia, the unveiling or revelation of the nature of things, a disclosure that is not factual but experiential, intuited but not defined. To the modern intellect this sounds airy fairy, yet it has been at the core of restorative practices like prayer, meditation, religion, poetry, philosophy and other expressions of the human spirit which, even if psychology may dismiss them, are indisputably transformative.

step one

 ~ we admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable 

(Step One, Twelve Steps)

There is a turning point in the life of every person which involves an admission of powerlessness. After all, nobody escapes the human experience without loss of power somewhere along the way. We lose youth, we lose people, sometimes we lose our hopes and dreams and, eventually, we lose life itself. We tend to mask this painful reality and pretend to be masters of our own destiny. This is called denial, and it is fed by the need to feel in control, by the ego. The stronger our ego is, the more denial we need. 

The most perillous and pathetic exhibition of this is addiction. Addicts deny powerlessness over an impulse even when it threatens to consume them and anything else that gets in the way. Unchecked, denial of addiction almost always ends in jail, institution or death.

What is one to do?

Admit defeat.

In the famous story of David and Bathsheba, David had everything but was still overcome by lust for more. He slept with a married woman, then plotted to murder her husband so he could have her to himself. God convicted him and took away his firstborn son.Then David's heart changed. In Psalm 51, he repents by offering his "broken spirt and contrite heart" (psalm 51). 

Only when David's heart was crushed, did he express remorse and change.

The word for contrite in hebrew is daka, or crushed. It can also refer to oppression, bruising or brokenness. The difference between an admission of failure and an admission of defeat is nothing short of complete brokenness. Only then is it possible to turn our heart over for cleansing, and reclaim our life and integrity.

a few thoughts on lent

~What comes out of the mouth comes from the heart; Matthew 15:18

Today is the first day of Lent, which comes form the Old Dutch, lentin, meaning spring season.

Traditionally, Christians honor this day with prayer and fasting, marking their foreheads with ashes in the shape of a cross to remember Jesus' 40 days of fasting in the desert. 

This year, the first day of Lent also falls on the first day of the month of adar in the Hebrew calendar. According to Jewish custom, it was on this day that the plague of darkness covered Egypt before the great Exodus toward the Promised Land. In six weeks, Jews will observe Passover and Christians Easter, a celebration of passing from darkness into light and experiencing the magnificent rebirth of life known as Spring. 

Lent is a time of temptation resisted, a wilderness experience or midbar... If we focus on deprivation, it can seem long* with the days getting longer but not fast enough. But if we focus on the outcome, freedom from slavery, it can be a time of joyful anticipation, like a wanted pregnancy. 

Midbar also means mouth in Hebrew and, although Lent may seem about what we put in our mouths, it is really about what comes out of them. 

*possibly the origin of the word lentin, as in the French word "lent"

balancing truth and love

Truth without love has no decency; it's just brutality. On the other hand, love without truth has no character; it's just hypocrisy
~ John F. MacArthur

It's been one of those weeks! If I wasn't being confronted, I was the one doing the confronting; either getting hurt, or doing the hurting. 

I have yet to learn that, just because something's true, it doesn't mean I have to say it. Conversely, just because I love you, it doesn't mean I have to protect you from a painful truth. Truth and love, head and heart, need to be in balance! 

And I need to consider your head and heart as well; the state you are in to receive the truth I want to share (or withhold). 

Finally, there's the productive factor. I can offer a painful truth lovingly but, generally speaking, for it to be kind and constructive to you, it also needs to be something you (or I) can do something about. Otherwise, it's just a criticism. 

So much to consider before opening my mouth! 

currency conversion

Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan  filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and withhold some of the proceeds from the land?" (Acts 5:3)

Set in the midst of a male-dominated financial district in London, Expansion (right) was intended by the sculptor to portray the internal power of "feminine energy".  The streaming light, she says, is like the soul pouring out from the cracks of human vulnerability. I recognize the kundalini aspect in the electrical currents. But, quite frankly, they look to me like self-deception short-circuiting clear thinking. If that sounds harsh, bear with me. 

I have been attracted to energy practices as a way to transcend my own brokenness and human condition. I'd hoped they were a way to heal and better myself. But they did not deliver. Sitting cross-legged, baring my soul (though not my breasts) and deep breathing, all I got was more energy. And this should not have surprised me because energy does not convert into goodness and, in my case, the current coursing through my veins became, like an addiction, a permament condition of "want" to the exclusion of everything else: friends, family... and, most of all, love. 

Energy got me nowhere except longing for more. And in its pursuit I was deceiving myself, because I knew I was not becoming a better person. 

I began this post with a quote from the story of Ananias and Sapphira, two greedy co-conspirators whose partial withholding of a donation made them vulnerable to immediate natural death. It spoke to me because I see in the pseudovulnerable woman the same temptation: holding back vulnerability and holding onto power. 

This is not the currency of the soul.

In the quest for healing, it is important to hold nothing back; to be honest, and confess the truth. Real vulnerability looks more broken-down than expansive, and has the more humble aspect of soft, melted wax than of bronze.  

covenants of salt

It's trying to go up but it's having a hard time fighting the current
~ Marie-Ève Muller, Quebec Marine Mammal Emergency

Yesterday a humpback whale died off the shores of Montreal from, I suspect, spending too much time in fresh water. This struck a chord in me, perhaps because I saw it as symbolic of the solitude, isolation and lostness in our world, a world sorely lacking in salt.

I happened to be researching the word "salt". It started by looking into the meaning of the word Salem (root of the word Jerusalem), wondering if, because it started with sal, it was derived from the word for salt, and had the same root as the word "salvation".  

As a preservative, a spice, a cleansing agent, salt was highly valued for its life-preserving, healing as well seasoning properties. It was traded between Italy and Rome, and offered with sacrifices to priests and kings. Indeed, in the Torah, sacrifices offered with salt were referred to as "covenants of salt" and were replaced, in the new covenant, with the sacrifice of Jesus, Yeshua, a derivative of the Hebrew word yasha: to help, preserve, rescue, or save.

When Jesus told his disciples "you are the salt of the earth", perhaps he was referring to the gift of salvation inscribed in their hearts through his sacrifice, like the salt lacing and preserving dead meat, making the Hebrews' sacrifices acceptable to an everlasting God.

(It turns out that Salem in Hebrew means peace, or shalom; as a semitic language, its roots, as well as the roots of the word Yeshua, are held to be distinct from the Indo-European roots of the word salvation, i.e., sal. Some scholars still argue a possible connection between the two languages... maybe because of the salt roads!?) 

protest versus resistance

I can't breathe
~ George Floyd

Resistance means "to take a stand against, oppose".  In physics, it is a drag force (air resistance) or opposition to the current flow (electrical resitance).

Effective resistance requires power. It doesn't just protest what is happening. The person pictured to the right, for example, is protesting but, standing in front of tanks, he is at the mercy of the guys driving them. Brave perhaps, but futile if they decide to run him over. Protest and resistance are both forms of opposition. But only resistance wins wars.

Now it could be argued that protest is powerful in that it exerts moral pressure.  This may be so, but it has to come from within the ranks.

There is no way, if men don't take a stand against the denigration of women, that women will get very far by protesting it themselves.
There is no way, if bystanders don't confront bullies, that victims will be able to stop harassment.
There is no way, if white folks don't shout louder than people of colour, that racism will ever end.
And there is no way that police brutality, without cops calling their brothers out, will be nipped in the bud.

And it has to start with me, though I get no points for this. In fact I stand to lose points by risking my privileges and advantage.* And that's part of the problem. It takes courage to oppose members of your own club, but even more when the answer to the question,"What's in it for me?" is: Nothing.

* It's like what abusive men say when they are asked to change (as one woman's rapist, while she begged him to stop, said to her): why would I ? 

seekers of the light

Light seeking light, doth light of light beguile
~Shakespeare, Love's Labours Lost

We are seekers of the light!  For guidance, warmth, purpose and direction, we long for the light and are attracted to it. But sometimes, for lack of vision, we cannot see the very thing dividing us from it. Like the poor fly illustrated here, we can get stuck on a window and die there, headed for freedom but never leaving our self-made prison.

This is denial.  Like an inivisible wall (or window) separating us from what we seek, we are drawn to the light without seeing what is literally right in front of our faces. We refuse to try another route, get away, go around... exhausting ourselves by ignoring what our pain sensors are telling us.  It doesn't work.

Then there is false light, artifical sources of light that throw lightbeams in every direction, confusing those of us who are phototaxic, that is, who are oriented to light, which would be all of us.  We become like those poor winged creatures flying in dizzying circles around a lightsource at night. This must be what it is to be insane: doing the same thing over and over and getting nowhere except exhausted on the floor and stepped on in the morning.

Finally, there is the romantic. The one drawn right into the heart of a flame burning brightly in the night, who gets incinerated in its loving gaze.  This is a kind of impulse control problem, an addiction, be it to a substance, person or situation.  It is suicide by light.

I'm not sure what the cure is, but it seems simple.  Probably too simple for our buggy brains.  It probably goes something like: seek natural light, open windows and a clear flight path.

a little water

A little water clears us of this deed
~ Lady Macbeth

I'm going to be more careful about spreading my germs. I have probably got others sick by going out when I was unwell. I have probably also got them sick when I was contagious without knowing it. So I'm going to be more careful from now on; staying as clean as I can and keeping my distance.

I will undoubtedly fall into careless patterns again. It's the human condition.

So, aside from making amends, I'm going to ask forgiveness for not being able to stay clean and for spreading my germs, as well as forgive others for spreading theirs. That doesn't mean slackening a boundary, at least not intentionally. It actually means firming it up while also knowing it's bound to loosen.  I will give and receive compassionate cleansing.

changing your heart

Metanoia is a transformative change of heart.  The term suggests repudiation, change of mind, repentance, conversion and atonement.
~ Wikipedia

There's an AA riddle that asks: If there are three frogs on a log and two decide to jump, how many are left on the log?  The answer of course is three, because they only decided. (They never jumped).

A lot of people I know, including myself, get trapped in self-destructive habits. They know what to do but don't do it.  They don't even feel like doing it, let alone take that leap of faith.

In order to break the cycle of passivity, action is clearly required. But where do you get the courage?  How do you go from head to heart? 

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I think it's through his feet.

In Seligman's experiments on learned helplessness, a group of dogs was yoked to another group learning how to avoid electrical shocks.  The yoked group received shocks apparently randomly.  When they were later put on an electrified grid, these dogs acted as if they had no legs and collapsed whining on the floor.  Like the frogs on the log, they didn't even try to jump over the small wall separating them from freedom.

But when the experimenters picked them up and started moving their legs and showed them how to get out, the dogs had a change of heart.  They started taking the initiative, and soon jumped over the wall by themselves.

By literally going through the motions, the dogs regained their sense of agency and escaped the self-imposed prison of helplessness. 

We can do the same.

There is a present tense in English called the present progressive.  It sort of conveys the spirit of a change of heart.  It is conjugated with the verb "to be".  It isn't finished yet. But it has started.  On my tiptoes beyond just deciding, involving my whole being and really going through the motions, I am jumping...

forgiving and forgetting

Pray you now; forgive and forget
~ William Shakespeare (King Lear)

When a person has been betrayed, it is common to seek transparency and disclosure of the truth.  This appeals to our anxious brain hoping to stabilize disturbing emotions in knowledge and facts.

What often happens, however, is that every detail teases out the desire to know more, and the quest for truth becomes a twisted and torturous rabbit hole of unanswered questions.  Rather than putting the pain of transgression behind, it gets fleshed out and remembered even more.

The truth can sometimes be liberating. So can telling the story of our pain.  But, in some cases, like when you have been betrayed by a loved one, repeating the story of betrayal over and over is not going to set you free.

Only forgiveness can do that.  And true forgiveness entails forgetting.  Not forgetting what is right and just, or abandoning the expectation of amends in your relationship going forward, but ceasing to bring up or call to mind, which is the real meaning of the word remember.

It is not your job to remember for the transgressor. That and making amends are his responsibility. Yours is to reclaim your freedom.