His nest in sky-vault's cope;
In the body's cage immured
He is weary of life's hope
~ Hafiz
I met a retired woman yesterday who finally, after years of toxic relationships with exes, parents, siblings and peers- it began in primary school when she was bullied- said to me with a great sigh of relief, "I've finally woken up; I'm out of La La Land, and I'm never going back."
She was a serial victim, not due to weakness or so-called "co-dependency" needs... but due to, as she put it, "dangerous naivety" or as I like to call it: pathological trust.
She had an idealism and hope that just wouldn't die; a good heart and misplaced faith which led her to place her trust time and again in the wrong people and situations. Yes the roots of her poor judgment went back to early childhood. She'd been somewhat neglected by absent and hypercritical parents. But she was not particulalry needy or dependent. She had no addictions, no masochistic tendencies or attraction to danger. She was self-reliant, strong, kind, educated and reliable, a wonderful mother to four beautiful children, a successful career woman, a good friend and so much more to many people.
There was nothing wrong with this woman. But she was addicted to hope.
Basically she was like the proverbial phoenix rising perpetually from her own ashes, burned again and again in the crucible of hopes and dreams turned to smoke.
We can get addicted to hope as to food. If the food is good, our hope is well placed. But if the food is posionous, our hope is going to make us sick. It becomes toxic.
That is the essence of addiction: uing a toxic substance to satisfy our hunger. We may come to know it's making us sick but we can't stop using it. The lucky ones come to a point where they can't do it anymore; they stop the cycle of abuse before it kills them.
There is an expression that goes "Either you're right or you're in a relationship." Another that goes, "Addiction is a disease of relationship." Someone who needs to be right or has an active addiction is in survival mode; and this, sadly, precludes their ability to relate to another person.
To break out of our solitary bubble, hope addicts need to stop partnering with others who are in their own self-defensive bubbles. We need to let the hope die instead of us...