reverse narcissism

Life is a solitary cell whose walls are mirrors (Eugene O'Neill)

Much has been written on the subject of narcissism: extending beyond personal boundaries and spreading, uncontained, onto someone else's turf; the inability to appreciate others who are viewed as mere extensions of one's self, or mere reflections.

Narcissists are extremely insensitive to others's needs, holding no regard for differences and all but obliterating separateness.  Nobody likes a narcissist!

At the other end of the sepctrum are people so exquisitely sensitive to others's needs (perhaps children of narcissistic parents) that they have no filter for someone else's drama.  This is what I call reverse narcissism: the absorption of someone else's problems as if by osmosis.  Reverse narcissists are so thin-skinned that others' realities can be experienced as intrusive or invasive.

Just as the narcissist can be so tactless and brash you want to put a mute on him, the reverse narcissist can be so vulnerable you want to give him a megaphone and some clothing, preferably a suit of armour.  And that's precisely what he has learned to do to protect gimself when he feels threatened by others.  He may suddenly trumpet "my needs!", "my time!", "my things!", "my space!" and withdraw to reclaim them, or use more drastic measures like bingeing, drugging or gambling to "numb out".

Unlike empathy which vibes with someone else's experience while maintaining ego separateness, reverse narcissism absorbs others' experiences to the point of saturation and flooding, threatening the very survival of the ego.  It's intolerable.  At that point, trying to buffer himself against another's reality, it might look and sound as self-absorbed as the narcissist but is actually the reverse: a gasping and grasping for air and dry land to avoid being engulfed by another...

out of la la land

My phoenix long ago secured
His nest in sky-vault's cope; 
In the body's cage immured
He is weary of life's hope
~ Hafiz


I met a retired woman yesterday who finally, after years of toxic relationships with exes, parents, siblings and peers- it began in primary school when she was bullied- said to me with a great sigh of relief, "I've finally woken up; I'm out of La La Land, and I'm never going back."

She was a serial victim, not due to weakness or so-called "co-dependency" needs... but due to, as she put it, "dangerous naivety" or as I like to call it: pathological trust.

She had an idealism and hope that just wouldn't die; a good heart and misplaced faith which led her to place her trust time and again in the wrong people and situations.  Yes the roots of her poor judgment went back to early childhood. She'd been somewhat neglected by absent and hypercritical parents.  But she was not particulalry needy or dependent.  She had no addictions, no masochistic tendencies or attraction to danger.  She was self-reliant, strong, kind, educated and reliable, a wonderful mother to four beautiful children, a successful career woman, a good friend and so much more to many people.

There was nothing wrong with this woman. But she was addicted to hope.

Basically she was like the proverbial phoenix rising perpetually from her own ashes, burned again and again in the crucible of hopes and dreams turned to smoke.

We can get addicted to hope as to food.  If the food is good, our hope is well placed.  But if the food is posionous, our hope is going to make us sick.  It becomes toxic.

That is the essence of addiction: uing a toxic substance to satisfy our hunger.  We may come to know it's making us sick but we can't stop using it.  The lucky ones come to a point where they can't do it anymore; they stop the cycle of abuse before it kills them.

There is an expression that goes "Either you're right or you're in a relationship."  Another that goes, "Addiction is a disease of relationship."  Someone who needs to be right or has an active addiction is in survival mode; and this, sadly, precludes their ability to relate to another person.

To break out of our solitary bubble, hope addicts need to stop partnering with others who are in their own self-defensive bubbles.  We need to let the hope die instead of us...

Platinum rules

So whatever you wish others would do to you, do also to them
~ Matthew 7:12


No longer the gold standard of moral conduct, the "do unto others" rule has been revised and expanded to include variations on the that theme known as the Silver, the Bronze, and- my personal favorite- the Platinum Rule.

Whereas the Golden Rule tells us to treat others as we would like to be treated, the Silver Rule flips the Golden Rule on its head and urges, "Not to treat others as we woudn't want to be treated ourselves."  It's a more conservative approach to reciprocity, based on the sound ethical principle of "first, do no harm."

The Bronze Rule takes harm-reduction one step further.  It admonishes, "If you're not bothering him and he's not bothering you, leave each other alone!"  Cute, but in my opinion it not only flips the Golden Rule on its head, it decapitates it as well... I don't like it.

Surely there can be more to inter-dependence than a "parallel lives" philosophy of well-being?

In comes the Platinum Rule.

The Platinum Rule, a term coined by Alessandra and Zimmerman in 1996* is about treating others as they would like to be treated, making them (not you) the measure of ethical and compassionate conduct.  Simple but brilliant!!

You can treat others well only if you first discover how they would like to be treated. If I do not know what you like, what makes you feel good or feel loved, how can I make you happy?  By giving you what I like?  Unfortunately not.  I need to know your language, what speaks to you, and give you that.

In his little book, The Five Languages of Love, Gary Chapman breaks down five main ways we give or receive love: as gifts, affirming words, time, physical touch or acts of service.  Each of us has a language (or two) which expresses love to us.

If we want to make each other happy, find out each other's language and speak that.

Go Platinum.

[ADDENDUM, August 26, 2018: The Platinum Rule preserves the spirit of The Golden Rule better than when we follow it to the letter.  By giving others what they want, we treat them as we would like to be treated.]




*although my philosophy teacher, Robert Misrahi, talked about this principle as early as 1986

How important is it

How important is it?
~Alanon slogan

It was all planned.  I was going to bike to my internet service provider on Sherbrooke and drop off some cables, then continue on my way to the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts to see the Picasso exhibition.  I was little annoyed at having to do this since I'd already come last week after interrupting my television service to drop off my terminals.  That was inconvenient enough but, since they'd forgotten to ask me to also return remotes and cables, I had to make a second trip.  Today I called before leaving to ask if I needed to bring anything else.  After being transferred from their technical team to customer service, "No," the guy on the phone answered, "You don't."

I arrived at 10.  The store should have been open but it was still dark behind those locked accordion bars.  A few miutes later a young man showed up, sweaty with skateboard under one arm, key in hand.  He opened the door, slid quickly through it then began locking it behind him. I asked, "Isn't the store open at 10?"  "Yes, but I need another 10-15 minutes," he said.  I shrugged, "The store is supposed to be open at 10."  He noticed I had stuff to return and said, "Well, if it's just to return those, then come on in." 

In I came.

At the desk he asked for my account number.  I didn't have it.  I said I was told all I needed to come with were the cables and remotes, and they always pull up my account number with my name and telephone number.  He couldn't find it and said I had to produce a bill; or maybe call my service provider and ask for my account number.  I said his colleague was able to find it last week.  Anyway, I took out my phone and called the head office. I pressed 2, then 4, then another number, and then I was told I'd have to wait 10 minutes.  I started to smoke...

I told the young man this was ridiculous. That I had come twice to return my stupid equipment, spoken to at least three agents, even double-checked I had everything necessary to finalize my friggin account closure.  That on top of this, he was late and, because he couldn't find my number, I had to call their office myself, and now I'm on hold...

He held up his hand, looked away and said, "Madame, that's enough.  You used the F-word and I've already told you what I can and cannot do so it's up to you." His refusal to look at me or validate my frustration really pissed me off but, to add insult to injury, he said, "And I wasn't late, I got here at right at 10". I was beginning to feel more like an employee than a customer and reminded him that he was getting paid to help me and hear my complaints, not the other way around.

Someone finally answered the phone and my account number was found and we both settled down.  A few minutes later, he handed me my receipt and I apologized for losing my temper and asked if I could tell him something, a bit of advice as a friend.  He agreed.

I said, "I know you're young and, at your age, I might not have had the patience to deal with someone like me either, but you should understand that clients are paying and you are being paid to help them.  It is not personal for you, you get paid anyway, but these frustrationss are personal for us because they cost us time and money.  A little compassion would go a long way and probably avoid an escalation.  Anyway I am sorry I lost my temper".

Then the young man asked if he could now speak and I said, "Of course".

He said, "I wasn't supposed to open the store today but was helping out my colleague who is sick. I rushed to get here but on the way I wiped out on my skateboard and I'm bleeding.  I really wanted to clean up before starting work.  I'm also sorry".

I said, "Oh! Are you hurt?"  He had tears in his eyes and said, "No, it's okay", and held out his hand to shake mine.  I gave him a big hug instead because suddenly he felt like my own son...

I got to te exhibition in good time.  It was very interesting, all about colonialism and Enlightenment and art... But this silly mask of an elder spoke to me more than any famous Picasso painting:

It's the mask of an elder which, despite its silly grin, is supposed to symbolize wisdom and experience, and is used in a Mexican dance ritual representing a reversal of social norms and order. 

Thy Will Be Done

My eyes fail, looking for my God
~Psalm 69

I have been on a spiritual retreat for over 40 days.  Toward the end of it and until now, I have been asking: what is the next right thing to do?  Where do I go from here?

I pray for orientation.

Sometimes I get promptings that are crystal clear about what I should do.  Other times a gentle rush of peace moves into a place that was previously dark and painful, a blessing in the form of knowing I am at the right place doing the right thing, even if most of the time I'm not doing anything at all. These are magic moments. And I am grateful for them.

Other times I am just plain lost.  I pray or meditate, read the Bible and ask for signs... Nothing.  I willingly surrender my will to God's and sit patiently like a blank sheet of paper waiting for him to write His message on my mind and heart...  Crickets...

I think of David and Job and Jeremiah and Jesus, all of whom felt forsaken by God and left in a desolate place of separation with the Devil breathing down their necks.  What a place to be!

You're God-forsaken.  Now what?

Here is the wisdom that came to me today in the form of an analogy.

Imagine you're driving in a car and you get disconnected from your GPS.  Maybe you took a wrong turn and don't know how to get back. Maybe you were listening to the radio and didn't hear The Voice. Maybe the noise of your thoughts or ambient distractions drowned out the directions.  Or maybe you saw construction ahead, or wanted to take the scenic route, or just misunderstood Her and made a mistake.  You took the wheel into your own hands and got off  track.  And now you're lost.  It doesn't feel great but it's not the end of the world. Why?

Your GPS will update its directions to match your new position!  Your wrong turn may have may cost you time and stress but, unless you drive off a cliff in a fit of rage, you're gonna make it to your destination provided you keep on listening. (That, by the way, is the meaning of the word obedience, from the Latin ob + audire: to listen!)

What's more, God is God.  His will will be done, whether you are listening to His instructions or not!  The only difference between we who follow his guidance and we who do not is the trouble we get into along the way.  Going from A to B, Albuquerque to Boulder, we might end up in the Bullring!*

It is a great relief to know I do not have to figure out God's will in order to do it.  Even when I choose to surrender to His satellite-in-the-sky omniscience (after all, I want to stay out of trouble as much as I can), I might still get lost.  At those times, straining to see "what next?", I can find comfort in the fact that I am never really lost, that I'm gonna get to where I'm supposed to, because His will guarantees that. I can sit back, relax and enjoy the ride...

* Anyway, if it's His will that I'm skewered like a shish-kebab ain't nothing I can do about it.  If it's His will that I get out of there alive, well... Glory hallelujah! 

compassionate compass

We are asleep with compasses in our hands

~W.S. Merwin

I just realized that the words compass and compassion are only three letters apart.

They mean different things of course.  The word compass means to circle or go around, and comes from the Latin com ("with") + pass  ("a step"). The word compassion means to feel for someone else's suffering, and comes from com ("with") + passion  ("pati").  Both are ways of moving with, and being moved by, a person or situation; both are ways to orient ourselves.

How different are these orientations in fact?

A compass is set to be magnetized to true north.  Compassion resonates with others' feelings. Both are ways to find oneself.  Or lose oneself.  Or maybe finding and losing oneself are the same thing!

Setting our minds and hearts on something outside of ourselves, we find a path and direction.

Love yourself as your neighbor

~Love your neighbor as yourself  (Mark 12:31)

We applaud people who run out to save a child from an oncoming school bus, or rescue old ladies from thugs, or run into a burning building to save a dog or cat or a person.  They risk their lives for others and we praise them for their altruism.  We think of them as heros. 

But are they?

Altruism comes from the word "alter" (other).  Altruists are other-centered in their actions.  But when asked what they were thinking and why they did what they did, the altruist invariably says something like,  "I didn't even think; I just did what I had to".  They felt compelled to do it. 

What exactly is so heroic about that?  Isn't altruism just as compulsive and blind to potentially self-destructive consequences as self-centered acts like self-mutilation or drug addiction?

Of course it is wonderful to help others avert disaster when we can.  But why is it better to be other-centered than self-centered?  Or put our lives at risk?  Isn't each human life of equal value?  If we attempt to rescue a drowning person who pulls us under, get hit by a car and get killed with the kid, burn to a crisp because we didn't have enough oxygen to make it outof the fire... where is the merit?  I did it because I "had to"? 

Maybe inside every altruist is a self-righteous self-effacing co-dependent... a fake hero who, in truth, simply feels compelled to act in other-centered ways.  I think I may be one of those!  

The dictum quoted above urges us to love our neighbours as ourselves, and that is good; but every life is worth saving, including our own.  

I suspect that many altruists need to love themselves as much as their neighbours and maybe learn to be a little less cocky about their heroism.

The trellis*

The trellis stands by

A wandering rose whose blind and tender shoots

Poke the air, testing

Fingers curled around a tendril twirling itself around the fringes

Of the bent green wood

The triple cord, earnest in its unmoving state between Sun and rose,

Awaits, hurting…

“Come sweet Rose!” it pines,

“Lift up your head and let Him pull you to your feet!

The ground you cling to, even as it calls you to sleep,

Is a deathbed!”

It sweats until its sapless brow, bead by bead,

Moves the rose to weep

And stretch across the gap between where life begins and ends,

Hanging on.

*for my Rose

carefree caring

There is a type of caring that is responsible to a fault.  It is based on responding rather than giving.

What is the difference?

Caring as giving is offered, from me to you, from the inside out.  It is freely given; a choice. Caring as responding is an answer, to you from me, from the outside-in.  It is not given freely, but from a sense of duty.

Why is this caring to a fault?

Because it holds the other responsible for my own sense of obligation, placing the burden of giving on someone outside myself.  It is not carefree caring.  It is anxious, heavy, laden with responsibility, like a job.  It is the care of a first responder, or an unpaid volunteer.

Ultimately, this kind of caring, when offered to a child, friend or lover, will feel unfair to the caregiver.  Resentment builds because they feel like they are owed something.  Then they begin to exact payment from their loved ones. They get angry and withdraw, or both, and escape.  They are like elastic bands that stretch beyond capacity then snap in your face.

The only person this is unfair to, is loved ones.

The caregiver-to-a-fault, in holding someone else responsible for their caring, refuses to see it comes from their own sense of duty.  They want to feel good about themselves so they say "yes" when they should say "no", give without being asked, shower their gifts on you until they burn themselves out, then yell at you "NO!!!" when you ask for a glass of water...

That is caring to a fault and it is not sustainable.

True caring begins with me: feeling good about me, allowing me to be me, shedding my guilt and meeting my own needs first.
Me. Me. Me.

Then I can care freely about you.