Reflections

Life is a solitary cell whose walls are mirrors (Eugene O'Neill ) Much has been written on the subject of narcissism: extending beyond personal boundaries and spreading, uncontained, onto someone else's turf; the inability to appreciate others who are viewed as mere extensions of one's self, or mere reflections. Narcissists are extremely insensitive to others's needs, holding no regard for differences and all but obliterating separateness.  Nobody likes a narcissist! At the other end of the sepctrum are people so exquisitely sensitive to others's needs (perhaps children of narcissistic parents) that they have no filter for someone else's drama.  This is what I call reverse narcissism : the absorption of someone else's problems as if by osmosis.  Reverse narcissists are so thin-skinned that others' realities can be experienced as intrusive or invasive. Just as the narcissist can be so tactless and brash you want to put a mute on him, the reverse...

My phoenix long ago secured His nest in sky-vault's cope;  In the body's cage immured He is weary of life's hope ~ Hafiz I met a retired woman yesterday who finally, after years of toxic relationships with exes, parents, siblings and peers- it began in primary school when she was bullied- said to me with a great sigh of relief, "I've finally woken up; I'm out of La La Land, and I'm never going back." She was a serial victim, not due to weakness or so-called "co-dependency" needs... but due to, as she put it, "dangerous naivety" or as I like to call it: pathological trust. She had an idealism and hope that just wouldn't die; a good heart and misplaced faith which led her to place her trust time and again in the wrong people and situations.  Yes the roots of her poor judgment went back to early childhood. She'd been somewhat neglected by absent and hypercritical parents.  But she was not particulalry needy or depe...

So whatever you wish others would do to you, do also to them ~ Matthew 7:12 No longer the gold standard of moral conduct, the "do unto others" rule has been revised and expanded to include variations on the that theme known as the Silver, the Bronze, and- my personal favorite- the Platinum Rule. Whereas the Golden Rule tells us to treat others as we would like to be treated, the Silver Rule flips the Golden Rule on its head and urges, " Not  to treat others as we woudn't want to be treated ourselves."  It's a more conservative approach to reciprocity, based on the sound ethical principle of "first, do no harm." The Bronze Rule takes harm-reduction one step further.  It admonishes, "If you're not bothering him and he's not bothering you, leave each other alone!"  Cute, but in my opinion it not only flips the Golden Rule on its head, it decapitates it as well... I don't like it. Surely there can be more to inter-depend...

How important is it? ~Alanon slogan It was all planned.  I was going to bike to my internet service provider on Sherbrooke and drop off some cables, then continue on my way to the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts to see the Picasso exhibition.  I was little annoyed at having to do this since I'd already come last week after interrupting my television service to drop off my terminals.  That was inconvenient enough but, since they'd forgotten to ask me to also return remotes and cables, I had to make a second trip.  Today I called before leaving to ask if I needed to bring anything else.  After being transferred from their technical team to customer service, "No," the guy on the phone answered, "You don't." I arrived at 10.  The store should have been open but it was still dark behind those locked accordion bars.  A few miutes later a young man showed up, sweaty with skateboard under one arm, key in hand.  He opened the door, slid quickly through i...

My eyes fail, looking for my God ~Psalm 69 I have been on a spiritual retreat for over 40 days.  Toward the end of it and until now, I have been asking: what is the next right thing to do?  Where do I go from here? I pray for orientation. Sometimes I get promptings that are crystal clear about what I should do.  Other times a gentle rush of peace moves into a place that was previously dark and painful, a blessing in the form of knowing I am at the right place doing the right thing, even if most of the time I'm not doing anything at all. These are magic moments. And I am grateful for them. Other times I am just plain lost.  I pray or meditate, read the Bible and ask for signs... Nothing.  I willingly surrender my will to God's and sit patiently like a blank sheet of paper waiting for him to write His message on my mind and heart...  Crickets... I think of David and Job and Jeremiah and Jesus, all of whom felt forsaken by God and left in a desola...

We are asleep with compasses in our hands ~W.S. Merwin I just realized that the words compass and compassion are only three letters apart. They mean different things of course.  The word compass means to circle or go around, and comes from the Latin com ("with") + pass  ("a step"). The word compassion means to feel for someone else's suffering, and comes from com ("with") + passion  ("pati").  Both are ways of moving with, and being moved by, a person or situation; both are ways to orient ourselves. How different are these orientations in fact? A compass is set to be magnetized to true north.  Compassion resonates with others' feelings. Both are ways to find oneself.  Or lose oneself.  Or maybe finding and losing oneself are the same thing! Setting our minds and hearts on something outside of ourselves, we find a path and direction.

~Love your neighbor as yourself  ( Mark 12:31) We applaud people who run out to save a child from an oncoming school bus, or rescue old ladies from thugs, or run into a burning building to save a dog or cat or a person.  They risk their lives for others  and we praise them for their altruism.  We think of them as heros.  But are they? Altruism  comes from the word "alter" (other).  Al truists are other-centered in their actions.  But w hen asked what they were thinking and why they did what they did, the altruist invariably says something  like,  "I didn't even think; I just did what I had to".   They felt compelled to do it.  What exactly is so heroic about that?  Isn't  altruism just as compulsive and blind to potentially self-destructive consequences as self-centered acts like self-mutilation or drug addiction? Of course it is wonderful to help others avert disaster when we can.  But w hy is it...

The trellis stands by A wandering rose whose blind and tender shoots Poke the air, testing Fingers curled around a tendril twirling itself around the fringes Of the bent green wood The triple cord, earnest in its unmoving state between Sun and rose, Awaits, hurting… “Come sweet Rose!” it pines, “Lift up your head and let Him pull you to your feet! The ground you cling to, even as it calls you to sleep, Is a deathbed!” It sweats until its sapless brow, bead by bead, Moves the rose to weep And stretch across the gap between where life begins and ends, Hanging on. *for my Rose

There is a type of caring that is responsible to a fault.  It is based on responding rather than giving. What is the difference? Caring as giving is offered, from me to you, from the inside out.  It is freely given; a choice. Caring as responding is an answer, to you from me, from the outside-in.  It is not given freely, but from a sense of duty. Why is this caring to a fault? Because it holds the other responsible for my own sense of obligation, placing the burden of giving on someone outside myself.  It is not carefree caring.  It is anxious, heavy, laden with responsibility, like a job.  It is the care of a first responder, or an unpaid volunteer. Ultimately, this kind of caring, when offered to a child, friend or lover, will feel unfair to the caregiver.  Resentment builds because they feel like they are owed something.  Then they begin to exact payment from their loved ones. They get angry and withdraw, or both, and escape....